Light in the Darkness...

(This is a different kind of post and is quite personal. I share perhaps more than I should, so be prepared. But I want you to know how truly blessed I feel right now; and the details are important to the story...)

My sister, Alyson, invited Brynne to stay with her for a few days. Morgan had stayed there for a few days by herself when she was five, so Alyson invited Brynne to have the same experience. Brynne was so excited! Anytime someone asked her about staying at Aunt Alyson's she'd say she gets to stay there "all by myself for FOUR days," and then she'd hold up four fingers to emphasize her point.

Morgan, Brynne and I drove to Alyson's all together last Sunday. Morgan and I stayed a few days before leaving Brynne and heading home. I had taken Brynne her own suitcase, so I got her all set up and showed her where her dirty clothes bag was and where her hair things were. She was so excited to do everything on her own. I gave her a shower (she and Isaac had decided to play in a mud puddle) the day before I left, and she refused to let me help her get dressed or comb her hair. She didn't even want to talk to me on the phone later in the week when I called. She has been rolling in the independence. :)

I decided the four days by myself with Morgan was a big blessing. She has been really struggling lately (being mean, disobedient, etc.), and I hoped some one-on-one would really help. We did have a good time and even managed to discuss how she could try and get along with Brynne better. I was really worried what would happen when we picked Brynne up, but I made it clear to Morgan that she should not say rude things to Brynne; then I hoped for the best.

We picked Brynne up yesterday morning. Morgan turned and stuck her tongue out at Brynne first thing. She immediately started in on saying mean things, and within 15 minutes Brynne was crying because "Morgan has never loved me." My heart was breaking and I felt so helpless. I assured Brynne she was loved by lots and lots of people.

Later in the day, Morgan and Brynne were outside playing with several neighbor kids. Brynne came in crying because Morgan had called out to get everyone's attention and then lifted up Brynne's skirt so everyone could see her underwear. I lost it at that and basically lost it with Morgan. Following a ballistic tyraid on my part, Morgan spent most of the rest of the night in her room. I spent most of the rest of the night trying to pull myself out of the funk I'd been falling into for several months and was now feeling helpless to prevent any longer.

By the time I got the kids to bed, let's just say I was at the lowest point I've been in many years. I could spend paragraphs describing the ideas and thoughts that went through my head, but suffice it to say I was not in a good place. I eventually got to a coherent enough spot to pray that my guardian angels could kick Satan's followers out of the room so I could try and sleep.

I woke up this morning and came out to open all the windows and start a new day. It became apparent very quickly, however, that I was still deeper in the pit than I had hoped. I went right back to bed.

As I was laying there trying to fall asleep again, a good friend called. She had a large challenge that she was unexpectedly faced with this morning. My first thought was to cry and sink further into my hole because I was obviously not in a spot to help anyone else. I could totally relate with her challenge, but on a much deeper immediate level than she probably could have guessed. I somehow found myself remaining calm, however, and giving advice. I then somehow manged to fall asleep.

I woke up 30 minutes later to the sound of someone putting dishes away. I waited for a while and then came out. There was Brynne climbing onto the counter to put something away on the highest shelf. The dishwasher was almost completely emptied. Wow!

Then I suggested Brynne help me make muffins for breakfast. I've never been good at letting kids help cook because I can't handle the mess. I suddenly felt, however, that it didn't matter what kind of mess Brynne made. Amazingly, she did a great job and only spilled a little batter on the side of the pan (and it really didn't bug me at all -- a miracle!).

We woke Morgan up to join us for breakfast. By this time, it was 9:30 and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's "Music and the Spoken Word" was on. The message was about how trials can help strengthen us; just what I needed. They sand "Homeward Bound" by Marta Keen Thompson. I've never been able to understand the words when I hear that song, but the music has always inspired me. I decided to get online and find the words:

"In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red.
When the summer’s ceased its gleaming,
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure’s lost its meaning,
I’ll be homeward bound in time.

"Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

"If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.

"Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

"In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing,
I’ll be homeward bound again."

I don't know exactly to what the lyrics were meant to refer. I can think of many things. But today, the words "bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow" spoke to how I was feeling. "Set me free to find my calling and I'll return to you somehow" reminded me of our purpose here on earth -- to remain strong through the good and bad until we return to Heavenly Father. This was a message I definitely needed.

I decided I needed to type my experiences. I was just going to type a journal entry because some of these things are personal, but I felt like I should type it as a blog entry instead.

As I sat at the computer to type, Morgan grabbed her basket of clean clothes along with Brynne's. She went into their room and put all the clean clothes away; without even being asked.

Right now the girls are playing nicely. The sun is shining (it has been rainy for more than a week), and it's time to get ready for church. Who knows how long until the fighting will start again, but I feel up to the challenge now. I know I'm still nowhere near 100% and still have to keep fighting, but I feel stronger. I am prepared to be a mother and get through this. I am prepared to proactively approach this parenting challenge.

How grateful I am for the tender mercies of the Lord when we need them most...

The Ultimate Parenting Challenge

My sister Alyson recently started a blog. She has five boys, including two sets of twins, so you better believe she's got plenty of stuff to blog about. Most recently, however, her blogs took a new twist -- a twist that's hard to believe without reading it from the source. I highly recommend that you take a moment to read her blog: Aly's Blog. I promise it'll make you feel better about whatever parenting challenges you're facing. Here's a teaser photo to get you interested:

My mom, Lee, and I were recently having a funny conversation about what makes a good mother. I decided that a good mother is one who gives her kids gum (see--it wasn't a serious conversation). Lee decided the best mother is one whose kids completely wreck the house and she still lets them live (obviously referring to Alyson). He followed that comment with: "That's assuming all her boys are still alive right now."

And for the record -- I'd like to point out that when her littlest boys are good, they are some of the cutest kids around!

And one more thing...When you read the second post, be sure to read Lee's comment at the end. He definitely turns the situation into a real good laugh!