I Just Figured Me Out!

I'm so excited. I just had an "ah-ha" moment where I finally figured out why I haven't felt quite right lately. Before I share that, though, a quick cute story:

Brynne just got hurt and started crying. Morgan said, "Oh, Brynne..." in that motherly sort of way. Brynne looked at Morgan and went over to where she sitting. Brynne put her arms out to hug Morgan, and Morgan gave her a nice hug. Then she moved over so Brynne could climb on the chair next to her. Morgan got rid of Brynne's tears much quicker than I could have. It melted my heart... :)

Back to me...I finally figured me out! First, a piece of background information: I turned into a list person while I was at BYU. I made lists because I was so busy, and I needed a way to remember everything that needed done. I used to derive joy from crossing things off my list. Lately, though, I still feel disjointed and "out of it" even when I'm getting things done and crossed off the list. Today I got to thinking that maybe I need to stop making lists, but I realized I'd really, really be in trouble trying remembering anything (I have no memory at all these days) without a list. Then I got to thinking that maybe it's what's on the list that is not working. I started thinking about the things I do all day, and...are you ready for this?...

I am OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)!!!! My sisters have odd OCD behaviors (including constantly pulling hair out and having to have everything really clean), but I didn't realize that I had developed OCD too. I don't have to have things totally clean, but I have to have things organized. If my house is a mess (and a mess to me probably wouldn't be considered a mess to others), then I can't function fully. I am distracted until everything is perfect. One of the worst times is when Morgan comes home from school because I have to get snacks, sort through the backpack, and make sure everything gets put away. I am so OCD that I have to tear pages out of notebooks once I'm done with what's written on them. Even my drawers are all organized. Some times I'm able to deal with things not perfect -- for example, my garage is sort of a mess. But I think I've been able to be okay with the garage mess only because I occupy my mind with plans for how I am going to organize it one day. If I get to the point where I don't have any "empty" space in the house (like all the drawers get totally full or the clothes get too tightly packed into the closet or things have to be stacked on top of each other in the kitchen), then I get rid of things until there is space again. I thrive off donating to goodwill, to the point where I probably get rid of some things that would be nice to keep. I can't handle clutter. My poor kids... This might not be such a problem if I organized because I enjoyed it. Maybe it started that way, but now I organize because disorganization causes me to literally go crazy; I stop being able to think or function, I lose patience with the kids, I feel out of control. And as the OCD gets worse, my ability to deal with it lessens.

I don't know if the OCD really has got worse lately, or if my priorities have suddenly changed to where the OCD is now a problem. I guessing having to be a single mom has definitely affected things somehow. Once I made the OCD realization, I started thinking about what I wanted to do about it. I can't just let things get unorganized or I would go crazy. I realized that what drives me crazy is that my OCD is taking time away from my kids. My ideal would be to sell everything and buy a one-room cabin somewhere and lead the simple life with my family. That would be great! But since we can't do that, I really just want to do more fun things with my kids. I want to play and read and be spontaneous (not something I'm normally good at). So I'm not sure what will have to give or how things will work out since this realization doesn't come with more time in the day; but for now I'm going to try and spend more time with my kids. And dream of the day I get to spend more time with my husband too...

(I just read the comment from my sister-in-law Katie, and she directed me to this website that sounds a lot more like what my problem is. Wow! It really does sound more on the money. It also gives me ideas on how to find balance. And it recommended this online book. I started reading it, and I'm astounded that people have actually written about ME. There's hope... Thanks, Katie!)